I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
