Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
