There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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