Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
