Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
