i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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