Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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