He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
