He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
