8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
