My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
