guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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