bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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