dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
