i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
