i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
