Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I think I sprained my soul last night
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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