Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
