he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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