i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
