Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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