she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
