Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
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