he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
