you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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