I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
