You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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