mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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