ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
it's like iHOP with fire
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
