she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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