Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
he quoted the bible to break up with me
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
