the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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