Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
