the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
