my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
