3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
