Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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