I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
