How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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