if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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