So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
