Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
