If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
