my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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