i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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