Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
