i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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