Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I need to calm my uterus...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
