I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
