I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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