She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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