remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
