I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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