my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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