Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
27 Reasons Why Men Need To Moan More During Sex
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door