ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
