I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.