how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.