So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
