The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
It's shark week go big or go home
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
