shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
