sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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